I’m on an obsessional fitness regimen at the moment and given that I’m 47 years old, have ate like a hippo for the past 7 or 8 years, have love handles that only a mother could love and have the determination level of a turkey eagerly awaiting Christmas, I guess I’m doomed to failure just as the last 5 attempts in the past month.
I don’t know what it is but when you reach 40 it seems that the fat is out for payback because you left it without a home the last time you successfully dieted at 35. Now it’s akin to trying to chisel away at Granite with a plastic hammer and no matter how you try it will not be shifted
I’ve even resorted to those pads that vibrate and are more at home on some athlete toning up their already sculptured figure. I’ll bet they don’t have to lie down still on a bed in case that bloody elastic belt rolls the pads out of it if you try to stand up. Elastic belts were designed to ridicule fat waistlines and are a weapon of the fit.
It can’t be the food that’s making my goal difficult cos I’ve virtually starved myself for the past two weeks and whoever said that bananas, bran flakes, yoghurt, boiled veg and anything without cream, is good for you, is just on a bitter mission because they want to eat the junk I’ve ate for years but couldn’t cope with the belt snapping, buckle breaking waistline when they meet up with their yoga class buddies.
My diet has definitely affected my eyesight and each day now I am under a false illusion that I actually look a little slimmer when really the scales show I’ve put on a couple of pounds overnight. How can that be? Did the Fat Fairy enter my bedroom and stuff my mouth with a plateful of lard laden kebabs? It’s enough to put me off diets for life and anyway my friends always tell me “It’s not how you look but the person inside that counts".
If that’s the case then the person inside me is just one huge globule of resentful fat that no one could ever befriend.
Like most men of my age I suppose I’m just a victim of the scare campaign that states we’re prone to heart disease if we continue our garbage eating, couch hugging ways. My answer to those doctors and scientists who started the smear against fat hearts is – I’d rather wallow in the muck than tiptoe on the coals and I’m coming off this useless diet as soon as I’ve finished writing this. So what if that triple McMassive Cheese-filled Whopper burger shortens my lifespan, at least I’m not sweating away my days on a boat that doesn’t touch water or a bike that only takes you from A to A.
I’d like to think people will judge me for who I am and not how I look but it gets harder to try and ignore the metamorphosis my shape has taken on in the past 7 years. For me ‘Fat began at Forty’ and life came a distant second but never matter, I’m changing all that right now and I can’t begin to tell you the difficulty of writing this article whilst chasing the ice cream man down the street.
OK, I’m lying and I apologise, the outburst above was pure fantasy and I’m not really back to my old ways as I sit here with my bowl of Muesli.
Disappointingly, burgers were just like lifelong friends who let me down yet they’re still in my thoughts and unfortunately still around my abdomen.
The doctors and scientists may be right and I will adhere to their advice but surely there has to be a more fun way of losing it that compares to the fun you had putting it on.
By the way, have any scientists out there discovered the nutritional values of hotdogs or that Muesli could be dangerous?
Please contact me at Fatty Forties Health Club, Manchester , England .
Side Note: Click Here an do something today
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